Archive Articles

GARDENS OF FEELINGS: Real vs. Phony Gardens

By
James A. McKenna, Ph.D.

Your garden is a wondrous place
Full of many flowers and hues
Each feeling a seed there
And will grow if owned by you.

What kind of feeling garden do you have? If you had a garden, what kinds of flowers, plants and trees would you have int it? Some people take care of their flowers better than they do themselves. I like to think of the feelings each of us have as a unique garden, that is either cultivated or neglected. If we allow only one color of flower in our garden -- perhaps, red roses -- soon, red roses are worshipped. People who come to our rose garden, then, are expected to stroke our preference. If they like another color and say so, the keeper of the "Red Rose Garden" might be offended. Isn't this how we teach feelings in our families, where certain (red) feelings, such as anger, are preferred and other (yellow) feelings, like sadness, are forbidden?

Suppose a person harbors one feeling, like anger, and will not permit another feeling to be planted in his or her garden of feelings. This person might go around the world looking for different specimens of anger for the garden. Others may prefer to plant only sad seeds and nourish sadness. Think about a new home owner who finds a variety of different colored plants and flowers in the garden (s)he bought with the home. Visualize this person plowing under all the varieties of flowers and planting over them dark violets. This is what happens to many humans and their natural feelings. All the natural joys, fears, sad and angry feelings get buried under in favor of a "racket" feeling such as guilt (blue funk). The Parent Ego State in some people may permit only blue feelings. For instance, as a child, these people received a lot of attention when worrying or feeling

guilty. Feelings, like anger may be discounted or prohibited. For instance, a young boy came home from second grade angry and frustrated with his teacher. He said to mom, "I'm mad at Mrs. Jones! I hate her." Mom's immediate reply then (and at other times when people in the family go upset) was, "Oh, you're just tired. Lay down and rest." This same youngster still life in the Child Ego State of my friend - now a thirty-five year old salesman. After frustrating days at work, he comes home tired, withdrawn, and when his wife says, "What's wrong honey?" He replies, "Oh, I'm just tired." He is the guy that spends weekends lying around, sleeping or watching television while his family gets upset because the six-month old faucet leak is becoming a waterfall. This is a person who cherishes a "Sleeping Willow Garden."

Sometimes, children are raised to know only how to tend to certain flowers. I know a man who, when he was a boy and walked into him mom's clean kitchen with dirty shoes, was not hollered at like, "Get out of here. I just mopped the floor!" He was not scolded, corrected or disciplined in a straight way. Instead, he was invited to mom's "Blue Funk Garden." Mom would not show anger when she was upset; instead, she would peddle guilt. "How can you be so thoughtless of me? You're just like your father - bent on making my life miserable!" Is it any wonder that, as a teenager and young minister, the boy grew to be scrupulous and a preacher of hell and brimstone?

Some people nurture a garden filled only with black tulips which even have cobwebs. A lady I know lived most of her life being scared. She would dream of cemeteries and frighten herself with worries about her uncertain future. If she invited you into her "Scare Garden," you were expected to plant a scary plant, and all would kneel in silent veneration of the juicy wonder of scare. She was forever the scaree and never the scaror. It is not surprising to know that, as a youngster she was teased by the giants until she go scared, and then she was reassured. Her parents and older brothers did the same to her and her sisters. They would have her go to the store, and then say, "But be careful when you get to Grand Avenue. Some kid got stabbed there last week." "And be sure you don't stay on this side of the street. There are some boogie men between the buildings." She would usually cry and say she was too scared to go, and then get smiles and reassurances that everything would be alright.

Real Gardens (Feelings) com with variety

These feeling gardens, that I have mentioned, are not Gardens of Eden, but rather Gardens of the Damned. People are born in a garden like Eden. Babies don't need to be taught how to cry, laugh, get angry or feel pain; however, they learn quickly that promoting certain feelings will get more attention (strokes) than showing what they are actually feeling. For instance, some babies are ignored when they are crying and picked up only when they are quiet. Mom and dad say, "We don't want to spoil the baby."

Still other parents will stop everything when the youngster turns on the tears. Then too, perhaps a child learns that, "If I sulk in this corner long enough, I can get the whole family back in my control."

As we are stroked, so shall we gloat. If one feeling, over others, is stroked, this is the feeling permitted, and the rest of the garden is buried under. If, as children, you were stroked for being "cheerful bluebirds," then a "Glad Garden" is permitted, and feeling of scare, sad, mad and true joy get buried. As a grown-up, this person may seem to many as a phony. I recall a beautiful young woman in my office. She told of being beaten up by her lover. When she was young her parents threw her out and locked the door. On many occasions, as she was telling of these pains, she smiled, was congenial and appeared cheerful. I asked her, "Did you want to be an actress when you were young?" "Yes, how did you guess that?" I told her that she was now doing a "good" acting job, hiding her pain in favor of showing "glad." I learned that her parents told her, "If you can't be cheerful around here, then get out." or, "If you don't get that lip up off the floor, I'll give you something to cry about!" It was no wonder that she lived a good part of her adult life discounting her pain and smiling about it.

I mentioned a new homeowner plowing under the variety garden in favor of dark violets. I have seen people go into psychotherapy to discover their buried feelings. In some instances, they began by weeding the garden (in games of psychotherapy) only to find that they were also pulling out the plants. After years of this kind of therapy, what they ended up with was a garden full of healthy weeds. After years of self-examination, they knew a lot about their weeds: Why they were uncomfortable with sex, the reason women were a threat, or the toil of going from one therapist to another, etc... No one had shown them the flowers they had pulled up in the process or buried under.

Real gardens are like real feelings. To appreciate the wonder of plant life, a variety of plants and colors enhance each other. If a person disowns one feeling in their garden, that person is left without a garden. All of the "other" feelings are less full, less sharp, less a whole garden. When we ignore our pain, we don't own a garden. We cannot own our joy.

Think about the variety of feelings you own and let yourself feel. Is there a feeling you will not permit yourself, like scare or showing anger? I have know men who were not allowed to own their own tear ducts. Some now cry openly when they feel sad and report that their orgasms are somehow more intense...more meaningful. I am not saying that you will have better orgasms if you cry more. I am saying that, if you discount any of your feelings, you are unknowingly discounting you whole garden of feelings.

I have seen sexually frigid men and women become freed when they owned the anger they had buried under in their gardens. I have personally experienced my own feels of well-being and joy when I permitted my Child to own the scare I was not allowed to let people know I was capable of. Similarly, for years, I was not permitted to feel tired or bored. My Parent would say, "Do something useful." My Child would win by doing busy work and still not get much done, and I would feel bored and tired. When I began to own my boredom and let myself feel the joy of doing nothing, I suddenly felt excited and would become creative. My Child (not my Parent) was bored and got a charge of energy to create new and interesting things to do. On day, after owning my boredom, I created the Stroking Profile, which I have describe elsewhere. Out of this boredom came creativity that today is used all over the world as a diagnostic, educational, and treatment tool. In fact, in 1994, the Stroking Profile was nominated for an International Award.

Right now, I am going to allow myself to be bored with writing and take a break. Know what I plan to do? I'm going to sit in my garden of feelings and do nothing but be aware of what I am feeling. Some people call this "contemplating their navel." See you in the next pamphlet.

© 2000, James A. McKenna, Ph.D. ,Chesterfield, MO

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Nota Bene

By
Jim McKenna, Ph.D.

I use Latin phases to underscore things , since Latin and Greek courses were required in the Prep High School that I attended,. For example, we’d put “Nota Bene” (or NB for short) on a message or on announcements. This was saying, “Note Well!” Or, “pay special attention to this.”

In my wildest imagination, I never thought that this phrase would later have such an impact on my life and mental attitude. I also didn’t fully realized what I was paying attention to instead of what I needed to begin to “note well.”

Before I explain where I am going with this, I’d like to tell you a story I heard about the late Dr. Milton Erickson, a renowned hypnotherapist. Other therapists used to bring their most difficult cases to him after their own efforts had failed. Once, another psychiatrist brought a 10-year-old boy to Dr. Erickson. This boy was in trouble at home, at school, and in the neighborhood. Despite the boy’s long reputation for making trouble and the psychiatrist’s best efforts to help him change, no improvement was evident. So, the psychiatrist brought the young patient to Milton Erickson. The boy sat down and then there was about a full minute’s silence before Dr. Erickson said to the young man, “Young man? Would you be surprised that if in the next few weeks you were noticing how well you are doing?” “I sure would!” replied the boy. With that Dr. Erickson ended the session with, “Very well, I’ll see you again in two weeks.” When the boy came to the waiting room, the other psychiatrist thought Milton had just given up on the lad.

About ten days later, the referring psychiatrist called Dr. Erickson to report what a dramatic turnabout the 10-year-old had made. Milton replied, “I guess he’s been paying attention to the right things.” Later, his patient came in for his appointment with Dr. Milton Erickson. When Dr. Erickson saw him he said, “Well, were you surprised how well you’ve been doing?” The boy said, “Yes. I never thought people really cared and I noticed that I was doing really well. I was very surprised!”

READY, AIM, NOTICE

It’s a simple but powerful reality that our minds will go where we send them. When we are paying attention to the half-empty glasses, we lose the experience of the half-full ones. For example, I’ve been noticing how good my knees feel today. In fact, I have been blessed with good legs and my knees work like a young man’s. The fact that I exercised and played tennis when I was younger probably helped. And, I’ve been blessed with good genes. Nobody in our family has problems with their knees. Why is this important? It’s important because often we don’t notice parts of our bodies until something hurts or we are having some trouble with how well things are working. The same is true of other aspects of our lives.

Focus Power

The best way to keep pain is to notice how much it hurts. In fact, when I do have pain, I have found ways to control or eliminate pain by redirecting my attention. Here’s another example. Once I had some pain in my right forefinger from a paper cut. Those kind of cuts can really hurt and on the tip of the finger it’s hard to not keep hitting it. So, I made a conscious effort to notice how good my left forefinger was feeling. I had to concentrate and concentrate, but every time that my right finger would act up, I was making myself pay attention to my other hand. You know what? It worked. I forgot about the cut and really enjoyed my left finger.

Did you know that the only purpose pain has is to call attention to a part of our body that needs attention? Well, I knew what was causing the pain and took care of the cut. I didn’t need to give the pain any more attention. My left finger was serving me well and I needed to then pay more attention to the “non-painful” parts of me.

The mind can move quickly and can only process one thing at a time. Am I going to continue to process the pain or am I going to focus on what feels good. That’s using mind control to your advantage. And, that’s just the tip of your iceberg.

For instance, if you are a procrastinator, what are you noticing? Probably what you’re putting off doing. Start noticing yourself starting and stopping. In other words, you could begin the project and just stop when you feel like it. Then, start and stop again. Notice yourself do this until the project is finished. Also, you might want to notice (nota bene) that you can do things less that perfectly and that’s okay too. A lot of procrastinators put things off because they are such perfectionists that every deed becomes a dreaded chore.

More Examples Next Month

Next month I will be giving other examples of redirecting what you are noticing. If you have some questions, please e-mail your question and I will answer in this newsletter without revealing your identity.

People who can notice themselves doing well have internal permissions to succeed. If you are having problems noticing yourself do well, you might want to read my book about people who need permission:

Permission Not Granted

For More Information: Visit "McKenna Land" Homepage

Take some time now to notice your gifts and talents. It’s a better use of your time and remember: NOTA BENE.

© 2000, James A. McKenna, Ph.D. ,Chesterfield, MO

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Peace [For Some} is Hell

By
James A. McKenna, Ph.D.

If you have ever attended a meeting and sat next to a talkative person who made it his or her business to point out every small flaw in the proceedings, then you know what "crisis oriented" is all about. Those of you who have led groups know well the negative listener who is always on standby alert, ready to take issue with any statement not in accordance with his or her own opinion.

Many of you have watched a "friendly" card game disintegrate into bickering and animosity when just one player starts complaining about the hands dealt, the stakes involved, or the stacked deck of life in general.

We all live and work with people who seem to have learned early to generate crises through a negative attitude. Many are experts at their game, and to take one to task is usually a dangerous exercise in self-destruction. How can you win against someone who is skilled not only at offensive power plays, but at tricky defensive moves too? They rationalize their negative behaviors with the greatest conviction, and in truth they do deserve some praise. It does, after all, take a great deal of training of the mind and body to be good at any one thing, even if that one thing is causing trouble.

Ironically, our schools and other competitive institutions reward people who are good at finding problems, pointing out what's wrong, or who's to blame. But while these social systems reward troubleshooters, they overlook the fact that in order to come up with solutions, people need problems. And since their jobs depend on the existence of problems to solve, these problem solvers often find themselves in a position of conflicting interests; for if they are successful at what they do, they could work themselves into a serious personal setback - unemployment. All too often their early training outside the home (especially at school), leads to later success, but through negative personal qualities that intimidate others. Their independence and competence is admirable; but their lack of compassion and driving desire to look good is unnerving. Their programmed command, "It's either you or me!" ensures guaranteed successes in the workplace and relief from the "no win" conditions prevailing at home.

Survival and Crisis Behavior

Families in which closeness is silently forbidden turn to other means to achieve some sort of workable interaction. In Crisis-Oriented Families, what intimacy there is, exists as a negative prescribed through a series of "don'ts": namely, don't be positive, trusting, supportive, or close. Yet the need for stimulation and recognition is so innate and so strong that these Crisis-Oriented Family children must develop strategies for meeting their needs and surviving, even though they must exclude positive options. When the need for recognition becomes dependent upon negative actions, these children, while honing valuable counteractive skills, will ultimately pay the price for the accumulated negative stimulation. Such families, in the absence of positive excitement, cooperate to create and maintain distention and turmoil on the home front. Each crisis - a small skirmish over dirty dishes left in a sink, or a major campaign in the battle of alcoholism - becomes the vehicle for the family's excitement. Accustomed to the sounds of the battlefield - nagging, whining, backbiting, crying, arguing - these families cannot tolerate peace for very long. A cease-fire is temporary, an armistice undesirable.

For some Crisis-Oriented Families, positive emotions are only permissible at certain times: weddings, reunions and funerals. It's not unusual to see a 40-year-old Crisis-Oriented Family son cry for the first time at his father's funeral. "I always loved you, Dad," he might say, "but I never told you and even if I did, you wouldn't have believed me." Probably not; such a father wouldn't have allowed himself to believe it.

While Jennifer was recovering from her negative family background, she complained to her adult support group that things had become boring since she and her husband had reduced the amount of conflict between them. I looked at her and said, 'Peace is hell, isn't it. ' She and the rest of the group knew exactly what I meant.”

© 2000, James A. McKenna, Ph.D. ,Chesterfield, MO

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The Other Side of Fear

By
James A. McKenna, Ph.D.

Fear can be our friend or it can be our foe.

Fear is a useful and necessary feeling. When we are feeling fear it is a signal that we either need to flee or to fight. Our adrenaline rises and we have the needed energy to handle the “frightful” situation.

When fear is our foe, we are spending needless energy on either imagined or archaic situations that are wasting the time we spend. Here’s a useful acronym to explain both the good and the bad aspects of fear as 1) a Feeling, 2) Excitement, 3) an Awareness, and 4) a Response.

F —EELING

As a feeling, fear can be

1) a Rubberband,
2) a Racket, or
3) a Real response to danger.

If it is a real feeling, it has to do with something that is happening now. Real feelings come and go. After the event is over, the feeling dissipates.

Racket feelings are feelings used to manipulate other people. “Racket” feeling don’t come and go. They remain and sustained. Some people use fear to get what they want. Usually, it to get control of others. Some people use their phobias to get others to take care of them. This is not to say that everyone with a phobia is manipulating others. It’s that if a person is using a feeling, like fear, to manipulate, then it is a racket designed to extort others.

Finally, a fear can be a “rubberband” feeling – a snap back to an earlier stressor. For example, if as a child a person was punished with violence, he or she might over–react when there is a conflict. If someone gets angry at them, they may snap back in time and the fear of the past will “rubberband” — resulting in reliving old fears and being afraid of the current situation.

E —XCITEMENT

Fear is biologically the same reaction as excitement. Our bodies will get energized. The heart speeds up, breathing increases, and the adrenaline flows. When the fear is real, the increased energy is needed for fleeing or fighting. When it is a racket, fear is often covering up forbidden excitement. For instance, if a person is forbidden to enjoy success, he or she may cover up the excitement with being afraid. I once knew a person who would be afraid everytime something exciting was about to happen. I taught her to say, “I am excited about (whatever)…” and it worked for her. When she was giving a presentation and got scared, she would say, “I can’t tell you how excited I am to be here today,…” and the fear turned into excitement.

A—WARENESS

I know a person who refers to paranoia as “Hightened Awareness.” He says that paranoid people know who are trying to trick them, while others seem oblivious and naïve. Actually, fear is directly related to how aware we are of impending danger. How we interpret things that happen will determine whether we get afraid, excited, or amused. The secret is to be aware of what’s real and what’s imagined.

R—ESPONSE

When we are afraid, it is a response to a combination of two things. One, something happened to activate a feeling and Two, we interpreted that event as something to be feared. A response to anything is the result of how we interpret what is happening. True…there are events that can only be interpreted in one way. Yet, most events leave room to interpret in different ways. If you have a recurring fear of certain events, look at how you are interpreting such events. By changing your interpretations, you can often change outcomes from fear to excitement.

If you have a specific situation that generates fear and you want to check it out, click on my Email or “Ask a Counselor.” If it is possible to give you some direction, I would be excited to respond as opposed to being afraid to say.

© 2000, James A. McKenna, Ph.D. ,Chesterfield, MO

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The Root of Male/Female Problems

By
James A. McKenna, Ph.D.

When a woman is having repeated problems with men, it’s often because she doesn’t have a good male Parent in her head. The same is true for a man that is having repeated relationship problems with women. Such a man lacks a solid female Parent in his personality.

It’s harder for a man to get by with some things with another man. So, when a woman lacks the incorporation of a potent male in their personality, men can manipulate and get by with things that another man would never tolerate. For example, if a man fails to do his job and starts whining that he’s just got too much to do, a woman without much male identification might be sympathetic and buy the act. Another man would probably just say, “Yeah, we’re all overworked around here, so stop whining and I’m not your mother.” In fact, most men wouldn’t even try the victim thing on another man.

Similarly, it’s not easy for one woman to fool another woman. There are certain things that one woman would never do or say to another woman. Why? It’s usually because another woman would be more sensitive than the average man. So, if a man hasn’t incorporated a powerful female into his personality, he can be easily manipulated by women or may even lack the social graces to handle certain conflicts.

A “good mother” incorporated into a man’s head is the best protection from women who want to be manipulative with men. The same is true for women protected from manipulation by men. For example, if a woman tells a man that she’s feeling ugly, some men would try to reassure the women how beautiful she is. Another woman might say, “Yeah, I was having an ‘ugly day’ myself yesterday.” A man with a solid woman in his head might also say, “I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like Frankenstein reincarnated!”

Similarly, most women would not even consider telling another woman anything bad about her children. Her sensitivity to how a mother feels would abort any criticism of her friend’s children. However, a man with little female incorporated into his personality might just state the facts and call a brat a “brat.”

So What!?

So, what’s the significance of all of this? A woman’s need for the protection of a good man in her head is important to success with the opposite sex. This also means that a man must have a good women in his head to succeed with the opposite sex. It’s not just having a good model of the same sex that’s important. It’s having both. A solid model of the same sex AND the incorporation of a solid model of the opposite sex completes our balance and insures success in heterosexual relationships.

If you are having trouble accepting this, make a inventory of those people you know who have a lot of problems with the opposite sex. Next, explore how much of a good relationship with the Parent of the opposite sex has existed for people on that list. Now, make a list of people who seem to have good relationships with persons of the opposite sex. Notice how much those persons have a good balance of male/female in their personalities. Or, notice how good their relationship with their parents of the opposite sex have been.

This is an alarming realization, given the increasing amount of single–parent families that are prevalent. Does this mean, then, that anyone raised in a single parent family home will have relationship problems? To a limited extent, yes and no. Remember, the key is how much a person is able to integrated a healthy parent of the opposite sex. It’s not the manner in which this is accomplished. Some people could accomplish this through incorporation of a grandparent , older sibling, or even a teacher of the opposite sex. It most instances, if the single parent has a healthy balance of male/female in their personality and their children will integrate both.

The important thing to remember is that if a person is having repeated problems with the opposite sex it usually means that there is a missing or adequate Parent of that gender in that person’s development and in that person’s head. The good news is that such a missing or inadequate Parent can be replaced with “Self–Reparenting” imagery. We’ll talk about how to incorporate “missing parents” or replace poor ones in our next newsletter.

© 2000, James A. McKenna, Ph.D. ,Chesterfield, MO

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Self "Reparenting" Relationships

By
James A. McKenna

What are the ideas about relationships that can build, repair, strengthen, and create new and lasting relationships? Could it be that there is just one idea that can result in such outcomes? Or, does it take many ideas to create, sustain, and maintain good relationships? Much has been written about how to succeed in relationships at work and at home.

Here are some ideas that seem to be important. Perhaps one of them is the “center stone” idea. You can apply them to a significant other to learn what areas need attention.

1. Putting each other first is the bond of lasting relationships.

2. Selfishness AND Selflessness are both detrimental to lasting and healthy relationships.

3. Respecting each other and the personal boundaries of others is a “sine qua non” for maintaining friends.

4. It’s important to take time for each other and make one day special, free of distractions of work and children.

5. The ability to be non-judgmental is essential to lasting friendships.

6. Forgiveness of mistakes is a necessary ingredient, since no relationship is perfect and mistakes will occur.

7. Although 50/50 effort is fair, relationships that thrive will regularly share taking 80/20 efforts on a regular basis. This also means avoiding being violent, or hurting and exploiting others.

8. Good friends will be truthful and say what needs to be said, no matter how difficult it might be.

9. Promises are sacred contracts and are the cement that binds relationships when they are honored.

10. Good relationships are built on mutual trust.

The Original Ten Rules

Moses delivered the first sermon on what goes into a good relationship with God and each other. When God presented the Ten Commandments to Moses, He gave us a template of success in relationships that still works. Compare the above guidelines to what the Ten Commandments say are essential elements to success with God and neighbors. See how many you can remember as you review the above guidelines.

If you had to pick one of these ingredients as the “Corner Stone” of success in relationships, which one would it be?

Here’s wishing you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS filled with renewal and a HAPPY NEW MELLENIUM filled with no Y2K problems.

© 2000, James A. McKenna, Ph.D. ,Chesterfield, MO

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Street Angels & House Devils

By
Jim McKenna, Ph.D.

A friend of mine recently ask me why I didn't reprint excerpts from my book on adult survivors of "Crisis Oriented Families." Since I couldn't give him a good reason, here's a reprint of part of Chapter One Adult Children of Crisis-Oriented Families.

Reprinted ftom Book Permission Not Granted, published by Emily Publications.

"You know them; they're important people in your life, like your lawyer, your pediatrician, your school board president, your contractor, your accountant, your manager at work, your real estate agent. Pillars of the community and the workplace, they are capable, competent, and remarkably skilled in their demanding professions. And they're dependable; always there when you need them. To us, to the community, they present the very picture of success.

"Unbeknownst to outsiders, many of these people in fact lead very troubled home lives. The results show in divorces, alcohol or drug problems, or in difficulties with teenage children. They are successes on the outside, while they fail miserably at home.

"These apparently "admirable" adults have survived a special type of troubled family in which suffering is just not optional and something experienced only occasionally in most families. Rather, suffering is constant. Negativism, conflict and dissension make up this family's "normal" environment. Since closeness and positive excitement are forbidden, familial crises become the substitutes for needed stimulation. I know; I was such a survivor of a Crisis-Oriented Family.

"Much attention has been focused recently on adult children of alcoholic, and Claudia Black and Janet Woititz have done import work in this area They and others have identified various survival styles in alcoholic families. Other classic dysfunctional families are those affected by poverty, illness, divorce or other conditions.

"But these descriptions of troubled families do not go far enough, and don't coincide with the lessons I was taught in my own home survival course. My family had some of the characteristics discussed in the self-help and textbooks on dysfunctional family systems - what family doesn't? However, I could not fully identify with what was being reported and I discovered that what I had teamed at home had not yet been written.

"I have since discovered in my professional practice of marital and family therapy that there are millions of families similar to mine which.would never be considered for a study on problem families. These dysfunctional families share many traits, all centered around their being Crisis-Oriented Families - where crises become the substitutes for intimacy and positive excitement.

"It is important to note that this definition of Crisis-Oriented Families takes into account not just all alcoholic families, but also includes a much larger spectrum. All alcoholic families are Crisis-Oriented Families, but not all Crisis-Oriented Families are alcoholic.

"Crisis-Oriented Families appear to be fairly "normal," and produce survivors who are teachers, physicians, lawyers, carpenters, computer programmers and even therapists(!) who are socially contributing members of the community. Hardly "problems" to society, they often wind up in caregiving professions where they serve as problem solvers. Such adult survivors rarely contribute to crime statistics, but do frequently-show up in the increasing divorce rate, or in the "hidden" statistics of long-lasting but very unhappy marriages.

"Members of a Crisis-Oriented Family are forbidden to show excitement, closeness or positive feelings. In these families, survivors learn skills in the substitution of negative crises for positive excitement. The Crisis-Oriented Family provides a primarily negative home environment where closeness and unconditional regard are absent.

."Children of such families often turn to recognition outside the home where rewards are more predictable. Others get their needs met by immersing themselves in careers or hobbies in which they deal primarily with things instead of people. Secretly, though, other people are viewed with mistrust or only as sources of psychological pain and disapproval.

"When not allowed to be positive within a family, closeness adds an additional risk of vulnerability to such survivors. Outside the home, it is possible to pretend, to hide real feelings, and to succeed with people through accomplishments. In fact, accomplishments outside the home do receive positive rewards, whereas, in the home, talent or success become another target to discount, minimize or redefine into negative responses."

"My Irish mom used to refer. to such survivors as "Street Angels and House Devils."

{End of Excerpt}

If you can identify with any of the above discourse about survivors of "Crisis Oriented Families," you can learn more about these survivors by clicking the link below to the book section of this web.

For More information. see Permission Not Granted.

© 2000, James A. McKenna, Ph.D. ,Chesterfield, MO

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Images Precede Actions
By
Jim McKenna, Ph.D.

Introduction.--This is one of the most valuable lessons in this Monthly Newsletter. In fact, the title demonstrates the essence of all changing. Behavior changes when the images behind the actions are different.

This month I am taking excerpts from Volume III of the Workbook, "In Search of Excitement." This workbook accompanies the Auditory and Video Tapes referred to
in this article.

"Strokes for the Folks

"A Stroke is any action from one person directed to others. Strokes give recognition to another person and are preceded by a thought about that person. For example, the concept of "spoken" and "unspoken" strokes is introduced in this tape lesson. How both levels of stroking are always present and how to notice what images may be behind stroking when the spoken and unspoken strokes are not the same.

"The thought behind the stroking action is an important factor is changing behavior patterns. It's not always as clear as the example given in the video tape (saying one thing and shaking your head in a contradictory way); yet, there is always an image behind every action.

"Mind Over Matter

"Maxwell Maltz, in his book, Pyscho-cybernetics, demonstrates how the mind doesn't really know the difference between fantasy and the real thing. That's because our brain makes an image of everything. It's the images we make that effect our actions.

"So, if we want to change stroking behaviors, what do we have to do? Right! We need to change the images behind the strokes. Such images though are not always apparent. That's because we may have archaic images from the past which result in "antiques stroking," --that is, stroking ritualistically the way we were stroked. There is an excellent example of working with a young woman in this tape who needed a "prescription for changing [such] internal images." It sets the stage for "Self-reparenting" and getting new internal images that support our desired changes.

"Actions are "Images of Us"

The title of this seminar, "Images of Us," was the result of realizing that every stroke we give or take says something about each of us. Strokes reflect "residual images" that often tell us a great deal about what we think of ourselves and others. In fact, the dynamics of The Stroking Profile, as
we'll see in the next lesson, are based on the Script images each profile can elicit.

"The CORE OF SUCCESS

"In the final analysis, success comes last and what precedes are short term and long-term images. The expression, "Failure to plan is a plan to fail," captures the reality that:

"THE LAST SHALL BE FIRST"

"For example, if you plan a trip to Hawaii, what is the first thing you would do? It wouldn't be to buy tickets or arrange time off of work. Rather, you'd first imagine yourself in Hawaii and then you would imagine all the things you'd have to do before you get there.

"The last thing you would do then would be the first thing that you imagined: you'd be getting off the plane and looking around at a beautiful Hawaiian island."

Imagine how we first think, next feel, and finally act.
Knowing HOW and WHAT we are thinking, then, is one of the secrets to change and success.

What we THINK will effect how we FEEL.

If actions come from what you are feeling, then how would you correct a child when you are Mad? Sad? Scared? or Glad?

So, if you are making mistakes when you are supervising or disciplining others, what's the best and fastest way to change your actions? Correct! Change how you are thinking and feeling.

You can obtain more details and methods by obtaining the audio or video tape (Volume III - "Images Precede Strokes"). In our June Newsletter, I will highlight a portion of the tape Workbook ( Volume IV -"Images of Us: The Stroking Profile").

©, 2000, James A. McKenna, Ph.D., Chesterfield, MO
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Relationship Rules

By
Jim McKenna, Ph.D.

The golden rule has probably ruined more relationships than any other sage advice. According to the rule, you should please others in the ways you want to be pleased. The way some people "do to themselves" could actually be considered neglect and abuse. I’ve known some people that I wouldn’t want doing unto me the way they do unto themselves. However, nowhere is it written that everyone wants the same things in life, and that’s where the golden rule fails.

With a little alteration, though, you can derive the "platinum rule," which is actually more valuable than gold. The Platinum Rule version would state: "Do unto others as they would have you do unto them." Instead of acting as if the wishes of others are the same as yours, this version of the rule leads to more productive and healthy relationships, where both your own and other’s needs are being met. It also has other characteristics that, when applied to relationships, would make a "platinum rule" more productive to healthy relationships.

For example, if you were living with a highly emotional mate who wants a lot of unconditional love, it doesn’t help to tell that person what a good job he or she is doing for you. He or she is likely to wonder if you like them or just what they are doing for you.

Mismanagement can be traced to the absence of the platinum rule and is a vital part of effective training programs. Often, a middle manager that needs to be recognized for doing good work may fail to give recognition to others unless they do a good job. Such a manager is applying the golden rule and doing to others the way he or she wants to be recognized. Unless such a boss has employees that are their drones, their employees are likely being mismanaged. However, a manager who applies the platinum rule is more versatile and will tell employees apart from each other—recognizing the different psychological needs that each person has.

Relationships at home and at work will benefit more from the platinum rule than the golden rule.

Some people want their opinions recognized. Others thrive on having their feelings recognized. Still others want to be noticed for how much they do. The skill of creating successful relationships is 1) discovering what others want and giving it to them, and 2) teaching others to give you what you prefer—not what they would want.

It’s as simple as this: If you prefer Chinese cuisine and your mate wants Italian, where do you go to eat? If you are choosing Chinese because you think your mate will like what you do, your "golden rule" is presumptuous and selfish. But if you choose an Italian restaurant because it’s your mate’s favorite, your "platinum attitude" will accomplish what the golden rule was meant to do. Your relationships will thrive. Just don’t go overboard and remember to teach others what you want from them as well. Also, there are times to be wise and "go for the silver" of compromise—choose something you both enjoy.

In many respects, a good relationship shares other characteristics of platinum.
It’s versatile and can be stretched into wire or sheets.
People who can stretch and be flexible have an easier time in relationships.
It resists corrosion from the oxygen and sulfur in the air.
Protecting the boundaries of each relationship from outside influences and interference strengthens bounds.
Platinum also has a high melting point (1772 degrees F).
Good relationships are slow to anger and quick to find solutions when problems arise.
It makes a wonderful catalyst (speeds up chemical reactions). In fact, automobile manufactures use platinum for catalytic converters.
When people are in good relationships, they bring the best out of others.
Its strength, hardness and color make it ideal for setting gems in expensive jewelry.
A strong relationship is not only long lasting; it’s precious and hard to find.

One of the biggest sources of platinum in the US is obtained from the process of refining gold and copper. By building a relationship based on the platinum rule, you learn the best ways to make your partner happy and they learn to do the same for you. So, by refining the golden rule, you and others (at home or at work) will enjoy a mutually happy relationship, and that’s more precious than gold or platinum.

©, 2000, James A. McKenna, Ph.D., Chesterfield, MO

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Separations:

The Nouns and Verbs of Them

By
James A. McKenna, Ph.D.

Introduction

The recent Supreme Court ruling forbidding prayer at High School football games is a perfect example of confusing the content with the process of issues like separation. Whether it’s separation of Church and State, marital separations, or separations of feelings and thoughts, it’s often easy to confuse the subject of separation with the verb of separating. Like, "Church and state must be separated, therefore nothing done in either place can be influenced by the other." That’s somewhat akin to the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing.

Landmark Decision

In June of 2000, the judges decision was split 6 (against) to 3 (in favor of) prayer at football games. Those against any form of prayer used the rationale of "separation of Church and State" as their basis. The noun is separation. How Church and state are separated is the verb. Does this means that law-abiding citizens must separate their thinking, wishing, hoping, wanting, and asking from anything learned in their churches or synagogues?

While separation is the goal, loss of individual freedom may be the result of such confusion. The question remains, "How is saying a prayer O.K. any place else except when heard by people who don’t share the prayer belief?" Would it be against the law if an atheist got up in front of the student body and wished the Home team good fortune in the name of all that is right in the universe? A prayer, after all, is a petition or a wish whether it’s addressed to God, a higher power, or just to the universe of energy.

Rather than outlawing prayers at football games, wouldn’t it make more sense to regulate what kind of words are appropriate in prayers before "mixed audiences?" It seems that the six judges who voted to eliminate such prayers got their "Verbs" (the process) mixed up with their "Nouns" (the content) of separation and prayer.

Content Vs Process

There’s no question that in our way of life we must have separations of people, duties, and responsibilities. This includes separating the functions of Church and State. Even Jesus Christ agreed with this separation when He said, "Render to Caesar that which is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s." That doesn’t mean, however, that a legislator must leave what he or she was taught to be morally correct out of their deliberations because they originally learned it in a Church or Synagogue. In fact, one of the reasons many politicians get elected is often because they are perceived to have integrity by their electorate. In some instances, they may have been elected because they were "church goin’-- God fearin’ folk."

Likewise, teachers can’t be forbidden to teach "the golden rule" because he or she learned it as a belief from their religious upbringing. Why, then, is it wrong to say a prayer of thanksgiving or petition at a school graduation? It’s because people (judges, etc.) are confusing the content of separation from the process of how people can do this.

Separating Prayers

When we separate church and state, do we have a right to separate people from their beliefs because they walk from their church to their school or legislative assembly? Is it praying anywhere that’s the problem? Or, is it the kind of praying that’s objected to? For that matter, is there one prayer that would not offend a Jew, Catholic, Buddhist, or an atheist? If we expect people to bring their religious beliefs of right and wrong to their jobs and schools, why do we say that it is wrong to believe that a prayer would help?

Separation of Process and Content

It’s not what we separate that’s important. It’s how we separate that makes the difference. Sure, it’s correct to separate church and state activities. No one wants some priest, rabbi, or other church authority dictating to our government. Similarly, no bishop would want any governor to tell him (or her) how to run his diocese. At the same time, other people don’t want their belief systems dictated. Just listening to someone’s different belief doesn’t dictate, coerce, or unduly influence students. In fact, it’s an excellent "on the job" training (education) in tolerance.

Is it the content of their prayers, or is it how such prayers are offered that is being forbidden? If you pray and I pray, there doesn’t seem to be any conflict. However, if you pray and I don’t, do I have a right to say, "Don’t pray in front of me or so that I have to listen to it." According to the majority of Supreme Court judges, anyone who doesn’t like prayer in public places has that right. The right to pray is then restricted to where and when rather than how and what.

Prayer is simply petitioning, thanking, or acknowledging a higher power, the universe, or God. Even atheists will say, "I am thankful for my good health." So, is it more of a problem to whom we are praying or the fact that we are praying in a public place?

Conclusion

Most everyone has experienced separation of one sort or another. It’s clear that separations are a recurring part of our lives. It’s also certain that separations and "good-byes" are needed to be able to say new "hellos." So, separations are mostly healthy; although, in some instances they may be unhealthy ways to avoid. Either way, there seems to be confusion about what’s being separate (the content) and how separations must be viewed in their contexts (the process).

In subsequent newsletters, I will discuss these other separations and how confusing separation as a noun with separation as a verb can complicate family relationships. Besides separations of Church and State, here’s other separations to be considered:

# Married and single couples separate Vs children and their parents.
# People are separating feelings from thoughts,
# Attitudes and differences that are separating men from women,
# The ability to separate work and relaxation,
# Divorce and remarriage that separate parents and their children.

These are just a few of many activities and occasions where being separated is confused with how the separation is accomplished.

Go back and substitute one of these above topics of separation and apply what I said about the Supreme Court’s confusing process with content. You’ll find that this confusing process (the verb) with content (the noun) is happening in other facets of our lives. Such confusion may even be found in the personal lives of judges and church officials.

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Chains of Love

By
James A. McKenna, Ph.D.

What’s a good relationship? Is it one that has very few problems? No, of course not! In fact, a relationship that doesn’t have problems to resolve is probably a pretty boring one or is too new to have been tested.

This month’s newsletter has taken second place to my personal life. My wife has undergone major surgery and her recovery from a total knee replacement has required my being an amateur nurse, physical therapist, housekeeper, cook, and all around helper. All of which were added to my counseling practice.

I’ve learned a variety of ways to load things: the dishwasher, the washing machine, the dryer and the refrigerator. All new skills that I had to learn, since my wife had spoiled me and protected me from so many of these chores before her needing to recover from surgery. While she’s been doing that, I have been recovering from being so dependent upon her is so many ways.

So, my dear readers, I have neglected you this month and I hope you will know that during these trying times, I have realized how much easier life has been and how much of things like cooking and washing I have been missing. It sure has helped me to respect how many detail go into running a home. There’s so much more besides paying bills and maintaining the lawn (which have been my main jobs).

It has also brought my wife, Jan, and I closer, despite the tension that being so dependent on each other can create. A good relationship is very much like a good chain. It can exist and never be tested. Or, it can be tested and reveal the links that need to be strengthened. We have a stronger love chain now.

If you have some stories to share where stress has helped your relationships, please let me hear from you. I’m sure others would also learn from your experiences.

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What Price Success?

By
James A. McKenna, Ph.D.

With both parents working, the norm for family life is becoming that most children return to a home without either parent to greet them. This means that as the rate of "latch key" children increases there is a lack of teaching social skills Vs teaching how to be strong and manage things alone. Both parents are likely working and pursuing their own careers or the children are in homes of single parents. Either way, there’s a price to pay for these social changes from the times when children could come home to at least one parent to get the support and protection they could internalize.

Today, more than any other era, we expect our children to raise themselves, grow up fast and to be strong. However, if one must raise one’s self, where are the guidelines and what are the rules? In earlier, less complicated times, when people were taught a sense of personal responsibility and respect for themselves and of others, skills in resolving conflicts seem more apparent. However, youngsters are now expected to fend from themselves and to be strong. All this without even a model of how parents resolve conflicts. Their models are teaching them (in absentia) how to be strong and work long hours to pay the bills. This sound like we may be returning to the "survival of the fittest" mentality.

Where do limits come from, if both parents are gone and youngsters are left to their own cunning and imagination? Television can’t be blamed for everything. Yet, where do youngsters get their values when the parents are absent? TV and computer games seem to reinforce the notion of competition, survival, and isolationism. Similarly, where do "latch key" children learn how to settle problems with verbal skills if they don’t see their parents or teacher fighting without violence?

Is the violence in computer games and TV shows teaching latch key children, "It’s not how you play the game, it’s weather you win or lose that counts!" Omission of guidelines and limits is probably worse than loose or strict limits. Some minds are too young and inexperienced to come up with what’s the best way to resolve problems.

With lack of verbal skills and the power of attack weapons, the answers to youthful resolution of conflict is on the evening news. More and more tragedies of drive-by shooting and school violence are quickly approaching the status of common place – thus, disqualifying as "news."

In times when both parents must be absent, a lot of such parents have not found ways to teach essential values to their growing number of unprotected children. It not so much the parent being physically gone that is the problem. It’s the absence of parental values in the heads of their children that’s the issue. It’s this PROTECTION of established guidelines that such children LACK. Protection comes from people introjecting or incorporating the "shoulds" that allow self-concepts of being close to others AND resolving differences.

The social tragedy of the modern family is that most youngsters are not learning to be close, to care about others, or to allow themselves to be cared for. At the same time, these isolated young people have not learned to resolve conflicts in a WIN/WIN fashion. Feeling all alone, lacking rules in their heads, having been strong and holding in feelings, more and more are finally reaching the fourth stage of passivity: VIOLENCE. They explode on others or implode and get very depressed.

©, 2000, James A. McKenna, Ph.D., Chesterfield, MO
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Attitude

By
James A. McKenna, Ph.D.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes." --Anonymous

Our minds are like guided missiles. They need a target and will go where we aim. It’s this simple. If one has a losing attitude, the mind will cooperate to help that person lose.

That’s why how we interpret things is so important. Remember the "Vowels of Success" that I described in a previous publications?

AE (Activating Events) + I (Interpretations) = O (Outcomes)*

*For more information on this formula, see my publication,
"In Search of Excitement."

It’s clear then that how we interpret things that happen in our lives will determine how we respond and feel (Outcomes). However, how do we change the way we interpret things, particularly if we have a preset idea about certain things.

That’s where attitude comes to bear. The dictionary defines attitude as: "one‘s disposition, opinion, mental set, etc." If we have a pessimistic attitude, it will influence how we interpret things that happen in our lives. Attitude is more difficult to change than most any condition of being human.

Attitude is probably even more important than interpretation. That’s because how we interpret events is so heavily influenced by our attitude. The formula to success then could be modified to this:

AE (activating events) + I (interpretation) = O (outcomes)
A (attitude)

So, perhaps the formula for success in most things is more like this: "Success is 25% luck, 5% skill, and 70% attitude." Skills in applying strategies and techniques can be easily gained. Attitude can be both the most illusive and difficult skill for people to develop.

©, 2000, James A. McKenna, Ph.D., Chesterfield, MO
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Changing Your Mind

By
James A. McKenna, Ph.D.

Something that we all do more times a day than we can count is to think about things that result in corresponding actions. That’s right! Every action that we perform is preceded by our thoughts. So, if we want to change how we act, what must come first? You’re correct, if you said, "We have to change our minds and think different thoughts." This includes "secret" or unconscious thoughts that influence our actions.

Changing our minds might be easy at times and much more difficult at other times. For example, I know a man who did everything he could to lose weight and would end up with the "Yo-Yo" result of going up and down but never really reaching his goal of staying trim.

If there were thoughts behind his "fat behavior," he was at a lost to know what they were. He did all the recommended things such as dieting, imaging, and joining support groups. I suggested to him that the thinking behind his weight problem must be an unconscious or "secret thought." I taught him how to give himself a dream assignment and ask his subconscious for the source of his being overweight. After several futile attempts, he woke up in the middle of the night with the answer. He woke his wife up and said, "It’s my hair! It’s GREY! That’s why I’m fat!" "Yeah, sure! Now go back to bed!"

When I saw him again he had not only lost weight, he had changed his mind about something he decided when he was a young boy. He told me that everyone in his family seemed to gain weight when they were older and had grey hair. Somehow, he concluded that being overweight went with having grey hair. My friend was prematurely grey and had started having the "battle of the bulge" when he started getting grey hair.

I asked him how he changed his mind about that. "It was easy," he said. "I realized how ridiculous that thought was and now I can picture myself being thin AND having grey hair." "In fact," he added, "I now purposely look for people with grey hair that are trim." Somehow, he never seemed to notice that before he got rid of his archaic "secret thought."

So, he changed his mind about the relationship of aging with weight and regained control of his actions. All of us have that capacity to change our minds. Notice how our changing how we think will change our outcomes. Even though it’s not always easy to identify the thoughts, it’s easy to change our minds.

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Paths to Peace on Earth

By
James A. McKenna, Ph.D.

During this wonderful season of renewed faith in each other, we remember the scene in Bethlehem and the angels chanting. However, I have seen two different translations of what the angels chanted. Some scholars will say that the angels chanted,

"Peace on earth. Good will to men."

Other scholars have translated this same chant as,

"Peace on earth to men of good will."

It’s clear that both are sending a different message on both the psychological and social levels. However, I thought that I would take a psychological look at the two translations, which in no way is meant to be a theological comment. This is, however, a view from a psychologist that has been integrating spirituality with psychology for a long, long time.

First of all, both translations deliver a power message and neither can be ignored. The differences, I believe, are twofold: 1) What does the message mean, and 2) What is the gift in the message?

"Peace on earth. Good will to men." This seems like the angels are delivering a message that is granting unconditional peace to everyone on earth. Is this the gift that the heavenly hosts are bringing with the birth of the Christ Child? It does provide instructions on how people on earth can bring gifts to each other and to God.

By living this translation, each of us brings peace to our surroundings which includes good will to others. By living this message we are creating good mental health within ourselves and towards others. It seems to me that the angels, through this translation of their message, are giving instructions on how we should live among ourselves. Does it also suggests that the conditions of life after the miraculous birth of Jesus will result in unconditional peace on earth and good will to people? For some, this might suggest that no matter how a person lives, peace and good will result.

"Peace on earth to men of good will." If you translate the angels’ chant like this, their message seems to bring good will to good people. This translation is not promiscuously pouring peace and good will over the earth. It’s saying that the way to peace is being a person of good will. This translation makes more psychological sense to me. I have for years seen people in the depths of depression, anger, guilt, and shame because they have perceived themselves as not having done the right thing.

It also seems to me that this translation is a gift from God to people on earth. It’s saying that the "Prince of Peace" has come to demonstrate how being a person of good will results in peace. Such peace is both internal and external. Internally, we have peace because we are free of guilt and externally we are positive to others and generate calmness in the things that we do. For some, this suggests that peace follows good works. What do you think? I’d like to hear your view on these thoughts. Just E-mail me by clicking on my address below.

My Tidings to you

During this wonderful season of giving, my wishes for each of you is that you bring the gift of good will to all in your lives and that your own peace will grow each day of the New Year of 2001.

.
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A View From Within

By
James A. McKenna, Ph.D.

Have you ever met yourself – really? Or, do you think of yourself as how you look? Stylish, thin, fat, handsome, attractive, and smart are attributes that most people will think about themselves. I am rich, I am poor, and I am good or bad are other ways people confuse who they are with what they do.

I met myself the first time when I was about 6 years old. Then I forgot that I have met myself and remembered after many years of confusing what I did with who I was.

The first time I met myself I was standing in the middle of a triangle of mirrors. I used to love to climb on my mother’s vanity dresser and close the mirrors around me. Then I could see how I looked when people would see me from the side or the rear. I also wasn’t supposed to be messing around with my mom’s dresser, so that made it a little more exciting. I used to say to myself, "So, that’s how I look when people are watching me."

This time, however, I met myself and realized, "They don’t see me! They see my face, that’s not me – nobody’s goin’ to see me by seeing my head. I'm the only one that sees me."

That was the last time I got into the triangle of mirrors – it lost its fascination. It then took years of confusing myself with how I looked and what I did (my roles) with me to realize later in life the wisdom of what I had discover at age six.

You can change the predicate (rich, poor, tall, short, etc.) all you want. It doesn't change you. It may reflect something about you, but you are more that your looks, your thoughts, or your feelings.

For people who confuse who they are with how they look and what they do, I have created this Dis-Identification exercise which is in my book Permission Not Granted.

DIS-IDENTIFICATION

Put your body in a comfortable position. Now take a couple of deep breaths and RELAX NOW. Keep breathing, slowly and deeply. With each breath you take let yourself relax completely. When you learn to get completely relaxed, repeat these phases to yourself.

HERE I AM NOW –

I have a body AND I AM NOT MY BODY…I AM MORE THAN MY BODY.

HERE I AM NOW –

I have thoughts AND I AM NOT MY THOUGHTS…I AM MORE THAN MY THINKING.

I AM.

I have feeling AND I AM NOT MY FEELINGS…I AM MORE THAN WHAT I FEEL.

HERE I AM NOW –

I HAVE VALUES, BELIEFS AND OPINIONS

AND I AM NOT MY OPINIONS…I AM MORE THAN WHAT I BELIEVE.

HERE I AM NOW.

I AM. I AM MORE THAN MY BODY, MORE THAN MY THOUGHTS, MORE THAN MY FEELINGS, EVEN MORE THAN MY BELIEFS. I AM WHO I AM – NOT WHAT I AM, OR WHAT I THINK, OR WHAT I FEEL, OR WHAT I VALUE.

These are part of me – NOT me.

HERE I AM NOW!

©, 2000, James A. McKenna, Ph.D., Chesterfield, MO
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Who’s Blocking?

By
James A. McKenna, Ph.D.

You may or may not have noticed that I didn’t write a newsletter article for February. If you did notice, you are probably one (or my only) regular reader who thought, "Well, I guess that Dr. McKenna is having a busy month." I was busy, but not too busy to write an article. I was busy avoiding writing, telling myself, "I just don’t know what to write about." So, I decided to write about avoidance. It’s funny how the answer was always there. I just wasn’t asking myself the right question.

If you didn’t notice, you may be the reason I procrastinated all month. No. Not you…the reason was my doubts about whether the monthly articles on relationships is that important.

Each month I ask readers to E-mail me subjects that they are interested in hearing about from the viewpoint of a family or relationship-psychologist. I get no suggestions. All this past month, I’ve been telling myself that I just don’t know what to write about that I haven’t already.

Then, I thought that maybe I am having another writer’s block. Finally, I realized that the term "writer’s block" is self-serving – like something happens to a writer that is out of his or her control. So, I can excuse myself and say that it’s not my fault. It’s this condition called "writer’s block."

It reminded me about the story of the Mid-western farmer who told his neighbor that he had a rare disease called, "Dunlap’s Disease." His neighbor was appalled and said with much sympathy, "I’m so sorry! Just what is Dunlap’s?" "Oh, it’s just that my belly's don’ lapped over my belt."

So, that got me to thinking that so called, "Blocks," may be just excuses or ways to deny the real problem. That’s what last month’s writer’s block meant. It was denying to myself what the real problem was.

When I started asking myself the right questions, I started to get some answers. Here are some of the questions (I’m still working on most of the answers):

# Are the articles that important and who really cares?
# Do I really want to continue writing a monthly newsletter?
# Why am I writing these articles?
# Since I have received little to no feedback, am I discouraged and feeling unappreciated?
# Are the articles so bad that what readers I do have just don’t have the heart to tell me to forget about it?
# Am I not writing about things that are important to people? And, but not finally,
# Are these articles helping anyone or are they just serving to satisfy my own compulsions to voice my opinions?

So, I am not "blocked." I’ve been acting out instead of saying "No" to continuing to write these articles.

Actually, I have been wondering about the above questions and I don’t have all the answers. I have some of them, namely:

# Yes, the articles are important and yes, I care about the people I work with and the subjects they bring me. That’s where the topics come from…my experiences over many years of counseling and family therapy.
# Yes, I do want to continue writing. However, when I am working with people I enjoy immediate feedback. It’s hard to write when I don’t know if anyone is listening or reading.
# The reason I am writing is because I like to be of service and the right question is, "Am I serving anyone?" When I see someone in my office, I know that I am engaging a person and I know whether I am helping. It’s not that way on the Web. How can I get more feedback? If anyone knows how to set up a chat line – maybe that’s the answer. Please let me know by E-mail.
# I’m still working on the answers to the other questions. And, I need your feedback with most of these questions.

So, when we are feeling blocked, it might just mean that we are blocking some internal dialogue that we are not listening to. As usual, the right questions are the best way to open up and unblock. I hope this helps you.

It sure has helped me. In fact, I am headed for the Web to browse how to set up a chat line. Don’t be surprised if this newsletter becomes a chat line on relationships.

NEVER FORGET
By
James A. McKenna, Ph.D.

Before September 11, 2001, the call numbers 9-1-1 meant "help." Now these numbers have taken on a whole new reality. When we say "9-1-1" we remember tragedy, assault, murder and we experience rage, sadness, grief and determination to be a united nation.

Although, 9-1-1 means patriotism and the pride of being an American, it symbolizes loss to those families whose loved ones were killed. It means loss to all Americans and to their sense of homeland safety.

Certainly September 11th must be a day of remembrances, prayers for those who died and their families. It must also result in a firm resolve to make this Country a safer place for the living.

When a family loses a loved one, each anniversary of that death brings longing, remembrances, and hopefully healing. This first anniversary was blessed with such remembrances as reciting the names of those who died and placing flowers at ground zero. It was a credit to the media that they did not show repeated re-runs of the tragic scenes of the twin towers being attacked. This was a blessing to the nation and to the families who mourn personal losses.

Families don't show movies of the funeral or death of loved ones to recreate the wake all over again. Neither should our nation. Rather, finding other ways to memorialize and honor our dead was sought and a grateful nation can appreciate the good sense of the mass media for refraining from such sensationalizing. Instead of reliving those deaths over and over, it was appropriate to reflect, pray, offer up good words and display unity though song and the flag.

Just as families remember their dead by going to the grave site and placing flowers, our nation went to ground zero. While some go to their places of worship and pray, all across our nation we gathered and prayed. Many will honor their dead with establishing scholarships and donations to other worthy causes. There are living testaments to our dead in the form of naming buildings, erecting monuments, etching names in stone, and writing ballads and poems. This is already beginning to happen to victims of September 11, 2001. Ground zero is our nation's "grave site" as was further established on the first anniversary of mass murder and the destruction of the Twin Towers.

The birthplaces of the thousands of victims who died on that tragic day could be remembered in their own home towns. For example, naming or renaming streets in the victims' home towns would keep their memories alive where their lives began. Having an appropriate "tomb stone" at ground zero would also be a place to visit and show respect for our dead.

Remember this: wakes and funerals are for the living. Congratulations to the media, once again, for remembering the living in their coverage of this first anniversary of the
9-1-1 losses.